The Midnight News 12.29.03
Posted By Hyatte on 12.29.03
An Ode to Nash, Tammy, Pencil Neck Geeks, Missy, Lots and Lots of Sex and Message Boredom
Unlike yourself, I do recall a specific Randy Orton match, but probably not in the way the WWE would like.
It was a Monday. I was eating buffalo wings at a sports bar with my friend. Raw was on. Orton was on. (Before the interesting RNN bits, too). He was winning the match. He applied his finisher, that weird "Fam-Ass-Er running with scissors" tripping thing he used to do....
...And fucked it up...
...And did it again...
And all was silent.
And the lord saw that it was....yikes.
-Forgot his name
Yeah well, I was thinking about that… Orton’s only 21, and hasn’t been in the WWE for too long (at least, injury free and able to work)… so maybe we’re a bit too hard on him with all this demanding a classic match to match his push. How about we give the boy time? I mean, he’s got the frickin’ look… he’s charisma cubed… he’s going to be a HUGE deal if he doesn’t fuck it up for himself. Let the kid grow. Even the Rock sucked when he first debuted. Hell, even HOGAN sucked when he first came out! And Nash was no superstar worker right out of the gate either!
The tortured soul, I'l too fucking cool for holidays asshole routine is totally played out and you become more and more of a self-parody every week. You had about a dozen good articles in you and they were all burnt out well before "The Taking of Triple H" and this week's article goes to prove it. What does everyone want for Christmas? 411 smartening up, dumping you and Keith, and giving Tammy her own column every week.
Jeremy Simpson
Tammy knows that she can have a whole column of her very own whenever she wants… she just prefers to keep a safe distance from this whole IWC thing by hanging around here. Plus I don’t bother her with e-mails or IMs.
My soul is NOT tortured, Mr Smart Guy… it’s just in agonizing pain… shows what you know!
Hello Dicknoses, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. Did you all get your copies of Justified in your stockings this week? Good for you! Me, I did exactly what I wanted to do… and did it in great quantities… alone… yet oddly happy. Strange how that works out.
For any of you keeping track… since the last column where I admitted to being in a VICIOUS COLD WAR with Widro and someone else, BOTH parties have reached out and offered an OLIVE BRANCH… the hostilities are over… all is well, and 411 is one big, happy family… again…. until next time, that is. There will ALWAYS be a next time… because I am a delicate little flower that needs constant nurturing… and Jews ain’t the best nurturers… far from it.
Ohhh, and anyway… I’ve got a column filled with nothing to say and a whole mess of readers to disappoint yet again… so let us proceed with the mess and do so in a efficient manner. Time waits for no man and that no man is me. And all that.
BUT, PLUGS
Be sure to make daily visits to Flea’s site… I’ll have a new Guide to Life there in a few days, play the Dead Pool and win REAL money… and in a few days, the IWC 100: New Year’s Edition! I don’t know where he finds the time to do all this… because I know for a FACT that a LOT of Flea’s time is used hanging up on me in a snit when I don’t give him my full attention.
Why is No Soul being so prolific lately? Dunno, but he is. He also implores you to visit UnFaith.net and take part in the magic that is PARODY… CANADIAN STYLE!!!
BIG SEXY NO MORE
As maybe the last Nash fan standing, I feel it is my duty to properly send him off.
The situation as I understand it is that effective 12.31.03, exactly two days from now, Big Sexy, Kevin Nash will no longer be employed by the WWE. With his latest contracted employment rife with injuries, slow matches, and absolutely no free reign with the microphones, our Mr. Nash has quite successfully managed to dig a hole for himself bargaining-wise. He’ll want more money that they’ll probably offer him and they’ll offer him less money then he’ll probably agree to.
There has been talk of a non-wrestling role for Nash… perhaps as an agent or in creative. Some have even mentioned that Nash would make a fine replacement for Jerry Lawler’s stake color-man shtick.
Well, the problem with THAT is that a color-man’s duty is to supplement and fortify the play-by play guy’s commentary. Since Kevin Nash ONLY comes alive when he’s talking about Kevin Nash, one has to wonder just how good he’d be at talking about things NOT directly about him… which is 99.9% of a color man’s job. I mean, can YOU see Nash talking up the Hurricane? Yeah, me neither.
Anyway, for all intents and purposes, Nash will no longer be a visible, active member of the WWE’s roster… and this makes roughly half of you cheer and the other half yawn and say, “eh, who cares?”
Well I REMEMBER TULLY NASH, AND I CARE!! And you should too!
WHY should you care? Well, the list is long and glorious (I think… I’m writing on the fly and really have no clue what I’m about to type next):
-Who else are you gonna bitch about? Triple H? Isn’t that getting BORING? Nash WAS Big Lazy! Nash inspired more hatred from the Net than X-Pac in his prime!
-Who was more fun to make jokes about? No ONE pulled more muscles with more delightful consistency then Big Kevin! Oh, sure, there’s Hunter, but again… how many times can you eat the same meal? Variety is the spice of LIFE!
-Who will be the measuring stick now? Whenever you cry and weep about Benoit, you always hold up Nash as the guy who always gets the UNFAIR push that Benoit is always denied! At least HHH is smart… at least Hunter cares about the business! Nash has always been for himself… and has always been the PERFECT bad guy for all you smarts to rally against! With Nash gone, there is a hole that Hunter alone cannot fill!
-Who will be more fun? With Nash in the locker room, you never knew when the powderkeg would explode! Who provided the most fun gossip for web geeks to chatter about? Who was the most destructive locker room politico? WHO??? I’m sorry, but Rikishi ain’t up for the task!
-Who will be the most dangerous with a live mic? One day, with the right opportunity and in the right ball busting mood, Kevin Nash would have taken the mic and used his eloquence to make caustic shoot comments that would drive management crazy and net smarks up a wall… with the rest of the casual audience no wiser. This is called BRILLIANT mic work and it drive you cats CRAZY
-Who will assume the mantle of being “waaay too cool for this room” now that Nash is gone? What other forty year old fart will dress in Fubu gear and act like a teenager?
-For chrissakes, people… who’s gonna swear on a stack of Bibles that Scott Hall is sober and ready to work when all of Orlando, Florida pees their pants whenever Hall gets behind the wheel?
-WHO, IN THE NAME OF CHRIST, WILL BLOW DRY THEIR LONG, FLOWING HAIR SPECIFICALLY SO THEY CAN FLIP IT ON CAMERA AND DRAW SO MUCH ATTENTION TO IT THAT IT PRACTICALLY BECOMES THE FOURTH MAN IN THE RING DURING ANY GIVEN MATCH??
-Finally… who will keep the classic rasslin’ tradition of opening each and every promo with either “First off”, or “Ya know,” or “Lemme tell you something”? Only PIPER was as consistent… now all these jabronies try to talk like the Rock! It’s sad… it’s disgusting.
Cheer the passing of Kevin Nash’s wrestling career? How DARE you! You may have not WANTED Kevin Nash, but goddamit, WE NEED KEVIN NASH!!!
And finally… just for old time’s sake:
And finally, because he’s pretty much all done…
Here’s the scene: It’s Nitro... the first NEW Nitro… the one where Everything Changed… for a few weeks, everyone was positive… everyone enthused… everyone EAGER to help re-launch Nitro BACK to glory (then time went on and it finally sunk into Hogan’s mind that he was being asked to put over Billy Kidman, for chrissakes)
Anyway… Nitro was in DEAD SERIOUS mode that night… no time for fun and games… the stakes were high and REAL…
So, of course, leave it to Nash to get in one… little… poke…
my question is, what the hell happened to that sweet little rasslin' show we were doin' every Monday? I mean, where in the hell is the Dog when you need him?- Nash
Indeed… where WAS the Dog… where indeed?
Kevin…. Oh Kevin… we hardly knew ye.
A BYTCH FROM THE SYTCH
With all these stories running around about how Goldberg’s time with the WWE coming to a mutually agreed upon close, Tammy decided to share her thoughts on the big guy, and what his presence means to the company.
Tammy on Goldberg
So its time for another column. I decided since last week I spent a entire column on NWA-TNA I'd spend a entire column on RAW brand this week, only to be fair. Sadly there just isn't enough big news around for me to talk about, so the only big Raw news seems to be that Goldberg is acting up.
Of course, this story could be total BS, since 2 weeks ago the big news was how "great" Goldberg was behaving and how much he enjoyed WWE's more logical booking of his character, etc etc. He loved how well the WWE is run compared to WCW, yet this week’s news is how he thought WCW ran him better.
Just so you guys know: 75% of this crap is made up, either by the writer, or the wrestler the writer is getting the dirt from. Just so you know.
But let’s address this problem as if it’s a REAL problem.
I mean, lets face it: like Goldberg or not, he has become the most popular wrestler in the WWE in a matter of a few months. He is the ONLY answer to Triple H on Raw, and he is the only guy who has any potential right now for being the flagship good guy of the WWE.
But why? Well RVD's uniqueness has been buried beyond belief. Rey is just too small and has been destroyed. Lesner is a bad guy, Cena is too young in the E's eyes. Guerrero is too small and too old, same for Benoit. SO who is going to carry the ball? No one knows, and that’s the problem.
I said it last week and I'll say it again.... MICK FOLEY AND STEVE AUSTIN are DONE! D O N E! They can't wrestle anymore, either by choice or by broken bodies. They need to stop clogging up all the TV time. WWE needs to work on putting over their new talent. But no one buys anyone who isn't named Austin, Foley or Rock as a top contender for the title as a good guy.
That’s why Goldberg was such a boost to this company, because for once in such a LONG LONG time, we had a good guy champion, who we believed was tough, and would win.
So when WWE talk about canning Goldberg, it makes me worry. Who will they elevate?
They really haven't elevated anyone aside from Kurt Angle since ‘98, and thus we have this stale scene of tired old good guys, and no new bad guys. No new champions and no excitement. Goldberg might be a problem, he might not wrestle great, but that’s not the problem. Goldberg adds excitement a fresh face and some brute force to the good guy side of things. As we head into 2004, the same guys that were headlining WWF in 96-99 are still headlining. Buyrates have dropped, House Show numbers are down, and ratings are a shell of their former selves. Goldberg is the first NEW and the last credible face, and that’s the REAL Goldberg problem.
In Response to last week, Mike for the UK says...
Q: I haven't been big on the WWE product for a while but now I have had a taste of TNA (an others like ROH) I just see how inferior it is. I've been given this cool stuff and I don’t want to go back to the stale 'E'. Well truthfully the WWE isn't stale, but rather it is efficient, too efficient. It feels like a big cold wrestling machine just chugging out programme after programme. They dont allow the wrestlers (YES WRESTLERS! NOT SPORTS ENTERTAINERS!) to show anything new, they tone down every one from RVD to Rey. And worse still is that everyone from OVW seems to be taught the exact same moves, and way too many dropkicks. When watching an AJ Styles match or any other anything can happen and that's what makes it fun, it's not just the same match with the same buildup and story. I understand that the WWE wants to tone down on dangerous moves, and thats ok, but how about we see something new once in a while. Thats why Rey was such a breath of fresh air when he first came in. Plus the fans have been desperate to see someone from the undercard get a big push and have a chance in the main event and when they do who do they pick? Hardcore Holly. A man who has no interesting wrestling style, absolutely no personality and has never been popular......ever. Plus everyone saw what he did on Tough Enough and combined with his image he just
comes across as a prick, pure and simple. At best people think he is a dickhead and at absolute rock bottom worse they dont care (or is it the other way around?)
Sorry that went on for a while but I just had to get that off my chest, but it boils my blood that they bury so many talented people, they just dont seem to have a clue. So, yes I totally agree with you and I hold nearly all of my hope for the WWE in one man's hands, John Cena and maybe winning that US title and being the only face in the WHOLE company with gold will help him get over like no one else.
A: Well I plugged TNA big because its exciting and fresh, and that truly was one of the best shows I'd seen in a while. Maybe its because watching WWE the past few weeks makes me want to yank my eyes out with a fork, or maybe its because it was just great wrestling. Sadly, even if John Cena takes off like he's got a rocket on his ass, the best you can hope for is they'll build the company around him like Steve Austin, and allow him to be exciting and no one else. It’s kinda like, when they banned piledrivers for SCSA, then he was the only wrestler who got to use one and he used it regularly for a year or more.
As for OVW, you'd be surprised.....OVW actually is great wrestling, teaches their guys great stuff, and OVW reminds me of 1 part SMW, 1 part USWA. The problem is, guys like Rico, who SHINED in OVW, are brought up based on their OVW tapes, and then basically told "We love the talent, moves and charisma you have....now you can no longer use any of those flashy moves, you might take heat off Taker or Rock, you also can no longer have your badass persona, now you "The Damaja" are a S & M freak named Danny Basham, and oh yea, remove that cool stunner you do from your arsenal, instead your finisher is a Russian legsweep. Now go get over but don't get too over, if you get over too fast you might get a big head, and you have to be here for several years before you'll move up the rankings. Remember tone it down kid, 4 big moves...like RVD & Rey."
The problem is the E, not OVW.
Q: Why don't you like Austin, HBK and Mick Foley? These guys are WWE's top stars.
A: I DO like Mick Foley, Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels. The problem is, these guys were WWE's top stars in 1997 TOO! Its getting old and stale. Shawn is still great, but a shell of his former self. Austin is in as bad a shape as Hogan was, when Austin was making fun of Hogan for being old and broken down. Foley doesn't have his heart into it anymore, and I'm not sure if he has any good matches left in the tank either. The Reason I said WWE has such a big problem on their hands with Goldberg is, he's the first new guy in years who has been booked to look tough and win the title. I'd love to see the WWE title scene be Benoit, Cena, Lesnar, Angle and RVD, but the fact is that ain't going to
happen any time soon and chances are by the time it does, it'll be too little too late.
K.Eastmen writes:
Q: I used to think you were someone posing as Tammy, then I thought you were Tammy, but after last week I realized you are actually Jeff Jarrett posing as Tammy Sytch. None the less, Thanks Jeff, I bought TNA last week and LOVED it. I'm glad there is a alternative out there to the WWE.
A: That’s J-E, Double F, J-A, Double R, E, Double T! But in reality, I'm glad you liked it. Their product it perhaps the best wrestling show of all time, rivaling the ECW heyday, The heyday of Nitro and the legendary Saturday Night Main Events show for the WWF. I can't call TNA the best, but they are certainly making waves.
And Last but not least.....
Q: Why do you write a column? No one wants to hear from a washed up old wrestling diva.
A: The same reason you write a washed up old wrestling diva to complain. And for the record, I've forgotten more about wrestling then you'll ever know.
That’s My Bytch! Have a good new year!
HA! She’s FORGOTTEN more about wrestling than ANY OF YOU will ever know! Damn STRAIGHT!
Plus, she’s a bigger FAN than 95% of the writers out there. That much is obvious.
This is her e-mail. Be so kind as to flood her with questions.
One person who has been looking REAL hard for her lately has been the subject of this next segment. Get ready for a RE-UNION of sorts from ANOTHER babe who is no stranger to this column…
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MS. MISSY HYATT(E)
Hey! Missy Hyatt’s alive!
She showed up on a interactive internet talk show and spoke for a full hour on a whole bunch of topics… she was articulate, talkative, and honest.
She also has been trying to reach Tammy, and can’t! She has no idea where Tammy is or how to get in touch with her!
Uh
But then, later in the interview, she said her EX-business partner stole her computer a while ago and she hasn’t been online since!
And she also said that she hopes Eric Bischoff is on a street somewhere holding a sign that reads, “I’ll announce for food” and is thrilled that he’s OUT of the business… so clearly, Missy’s hasn’t taken the cock out of her mouth long enough to turn on RAW lately. So I feel better, at least.
That was mean of me, I apologize… she had some REALLY nice things to say about Tammy, and swears up and down that any money that is owed to her is because her partner, Sal was a SCUMBAG EMBEZZLING JEW!!!! (well… she didn’t call him a Jew… but with a name like “Sal”… and since “embezzling Jew” is practically an oxymoron these days…)
The two fun parts of this show was 1) the way we got to hear Missy EAT while she chatted and 2) the way the interviewers (one American, one Brit) made complete assholes of themselves by NOT appearing to even listen to the girl. At many points, you can tell the guy was simply reading from a list of questions he had in front of him. No inflection, no follow-up questions… just bare grunts for a response. Missy was such a good interviewee that she STILL managed to put on a hell of a chat, even when you could tell the interviewers weren’t even listening.
Missy wants the following people dead: Eric Bischoff, Rob Black, Kevin Sullivan, Sal the Jewish Embezzler, Madusa, Dark Journey, anyone who works for Highspots.com, and Beulah… or whatever her name is spelled… she had some rather nasty venom to spew at all of them.
Missy loves the following people TO death: Jim Ross, Tammy Sytch, Jake Roberts, anyone from KISS, Paul Heyman, Ric Flair, and Francine.
When asked about Chris Hyatte, Missy said, “Loser.” Of course, she WASN’T asked about my very generous proposal (lots of free promotions for wrestlingvixxxens in exchange for sex) nor did my name come up, but even in my fantasies my self-loathing shines.
The best part was when the interviewers did a whole “we give a name, you say the first thing that pops in your head”…
On Kevin Sullivan: When he dies I’ll dance on his grave
On Paul Heyman: He’s my brother. We were separated at birth
On Jason Hervey: Best boyfriend I ever had
On Scott Putski: (after a very evil giggle) Like I said before, having sex with him was like driving a Ferrari with a Voltzwagon engine. It looks good but when you rev it up it stutters, and there ain’t nothing there. (more chuckles… the kind of female chuckling that drives ex-boyfriends to suicide)
On Tommy Rich: First guy in the business who I ever gave a blowjob to. But back then he was hot! I have to clarify!
On Val Venis: (more giggling) The shortest sex I’ve ever had in my entire life… the lamest, nothing happening thing I’ve ever had in my life (Yeah? Well that’s because you have yet to sample a dose of VITAMIN HYATTE, BABY!! WHOOO HOOOO!!!)
On Kid Kash: Fuck of the century
On Tazz: He’s a midget and he has no respect
On Beulah: All she did was bitch and complain (about posing for the ECW calendar that Missy was working very hard on) She was just going to wear g-strings and garters, which wouldn’t have shown off her ugly butt. She had no idea that she was the most disgusting pig that ever lived. I mean, at least I didn’t pose for Cherry magazine and… put everything in every orifice in my body! (HEY!! I saw those pics!! There was a BLACK MAN INVOLVED!!)
On Trent Acid: I ain’t gonna transcribe this… but Missy talked about raping him in a limo. Leave it at that.
On Rob Black: Let me tell you something (*sniff… the legacy of Nash lives forever), Rob Black proved that he is gay because he had me, swimming in his indoor swimming pool naked, then in his bed, and he couldn’t get it up. He had this black condoms that kept falling off.
Missy also plugged her new website which will now feature streamline video!! PORN, you ask?? NO! Missy promises a “Osbourne-Like” show with a new episode every day! (*COUGHsoftcorewithin2monthsHACK*). Francine will be a part of it too.
I recommend you listen to this interview… which you can hear by clicking to this site
And in an interesting side-note… while they aren’t featuring any pictures,
Wrestling Vixxxens is STILL online and STILL has all the girls on the front page… including Tammy. Strange.
Anyway, all these girls… with me indirectly caught somewhere in the middle (sort of)… and I STILL ain’t getting sex from anyone!! What kind of playa am I? Jesus Crap.
Whilst we are on the topic of sexual shenanigans…
BLACK MARKET DILDOS
From the San Francisco Chronicle:
A Texas housewife is in big trouble with the law for selling a vibrator to a pair of undercover cops, and the Brisbane vibrator company she works for says Texas is an "antiquated place'' with more than its share of "prudes.''
Joanne Webb, a former fifth-grade teacher and mother of three, was in a county court in Cleburne, Texas, on Monday to answer obscenity charges for selling the vibrator to undercover narcotics officers posing as a dysfunctional married couple in search of a sex aid.
Webb, a saleswoman for Passion Parties of Brisbane, faces a year in jail and a $4,000 fine if convicted.
"What I did was not obscene,'' Webb said. ""What's obscene is that the government is taking action about what we do in our bedrooms.''
The arrest of Webb in Cleburne, a small town 50 miles southwest of Dallas, was the first time that any of the company's 3,000 sales consultants have been busted, said Pat Davis, the president of Passion Parties. She said the company was outraged by the charges and stood behind Webb.
"It makes you wonder what they're thinking out there in Texas,'' Davis said. "They sound like prudes, with antiquated laws. They must have all their street crime under control in Texas if they're going to spend tax money arresting us.''
For the past year, Webb has sold the company's line of vibrators, gels, lubricants, strawberry-flavored nipple cream and "edible passion puddings.'' The merchandise is offered for sale in private, Tupperware-style parties to women who may be reluctant to visit an adult novelty store.
Among the company's top items are a $12 jar of passion pudding in chocolate and strawberry flavors ("apply head to toe, wherever you want your lover to linger"), a $9 jar of nipple cream in strawberry, raspberry and watermelon flavors, and battery-powered vibrators that sell for $17 to $140. The company also offers such lubricants as Slippery Stuff ($13), Lickety Lube ($12) and Lucky Stiff ($11.50), and a $22 battery-powered item for men known as Jelly Julie ("with soft jelly silicone lips").
"Our products are not obscene,'' Davis said. "All we're trying to do is help people build loving relationships.''
Webb suspects she got in trouble because she ruffled feathers in town by daring to join the Chamber of Commerce with her sex toy business. She said her arrest had caused her husband of 20 years to suffer a nervous breakdown.
Webb said she was amazed that the town's narcotics squad would be put on the case.
"We have a real problem with drugs in our schools,'' she said, "and they're using our narcotics officers to entrap me for selling a vibrator.''
I’m sorry, but chocolate passion pudding? If I see ANYTHING on a chick with the color and consistency of “pudding” on any part of her body, I’m heading for the hills. Too many bad memories of jail for me.
Now what fun is giving a chick a “Dirty Sanchez” when you use chocolate passion pudding? It’s like ordering a Pina Colada without the rum.
“Jelly Julie”… haw… I knew a girl in High School named “Jelly Julie”… cuz every time she took a step, her whole fat body would vibrate.
By the way, for you wrestlers out there, “Lickety Lube” makes for a MARVELOUS pre-match body oil! Always has been! Ask Tito Santana how tough it was to keep an arm-bar on Greg Valentine after the Hammer hosed himself down with the stuff! (there, a little rasslin’ tie-in for you creepos!)
Actually, this is outrageous! First they go after the housewives… next thing you know, they’ll be breaking down my doors and confiscating my Trish Stratus blow-up doll! (comes with a free blue magic marker to draw as many veins on her boobies as you like!) That won’t do… that won’t do at all!
We done with things of a sexual nature? Naaahhh
PADME GETS OFF
There isn’t much to this story, just… well, Go here and scroll to the free video. Don’t worry, it starts up the second you click on.
For those of you in a place of business (BACK TO WORK, YOU LAZY ASSES!!), or for those of you with a dial-up modem, what I am sending you to is a quick video of a girl who has a fire hose for a vag and when she orgasms… well… “spits” isn’t the right word here.
Four notes here:
-Tell me that bitch doesn’t look EXACTLY like Natalie Portman.
-Tell me that watching that girl’s face when she climaxes isn’t one of the most sexiest things ever. THAT, my friends, is a climax-face… where she isn’t paying attention to ANYTHING and her eyes just roll back into her head and she starts to jerk around on the couch.
-I refuse to accept the notion that she didn’t load a water ballon up in there before the cameras started to roll
-Listen for the asshole, right at the end. He’s the jerk-off in EVERY SINGLE AMATEUR PORN VIDEO EVER CREATED who has something douchey to say. “Let me get in there for the taste test!!”… what a dickhead. (Flea gets credit for pointing this out)
How come this kind of stuff never happens when I’m in a room with people? Jesus.
Anyway… after all this talk about naked horny girls and deviant, shameful sex, it’s only logical that the next segment features none other than…
MY THREE STOOGES
Most of this Scaia ball breaking is a hoot, then things got a little… well… sad:
DevilsNightOut13 (8:38:58 PM): You know, sometimes it's not even worth the effort, so here's what I'll do: I'll call you a faggot, send this to Hyatte, and we're all happy. Okay?
DevilsNightOut13 (8:39:06 PM): Come on, answer me!
DevilsNightOut13 (8:39:20 PM): One of these days, you will respond
DevilsNightOut13 (8:39:31 PM): And then, my friend, you're whole empire will come crumbling down!
DevilsNightOut13 (8:39:51 PM): How far up your ass can you put your finger? DevilsNightOut13 (8:40:07 PM): If the answer is "all the way", say nothing in response
DevilsNightOut13 (8:40:21 PM): Wow, so you do that a lot, huh?
DevilsNightOut13 (8:40:38 PM): Soooooooooooooooooooooo, how's things?
DevilsNightOut13 (8:42:04 PM): I love you too!
DevilsNightOut13 (8:42:12 PM): xoxoxoxoxoxox
Previous message was not received by OORick because of error (8:42:13 PM): User OORick is not available
DevilsNightOut13 (8:42:38 PM): If you are a homosexual, send me an Error Message
Previous message was not received by OORick because of error (8:42:41 PM): User OORick is not available.
DevilsNightOut13 (8:44:09 PM): vikings are SEXY!
DevilsNightOut13 (8:44:17 PM): I want to split your ass like a wishbone
Previous message was not received by OORick because of error (8:44:18 PM): User OORick is not available.
DevilsNightOut13 (8:44:45 PM): Dyslexics have more fnu
DevilsNightOut13 (8:44:51 PM): Dyslexics are teople poo
Previous message was not received by OORick because of error (8:44:52 PM): User OORick is not available.
DevilsNightOut13 (8:45:29 PM): I got gonorrhea from a tractor
DevilsNightOut13 (8:45:47 PM): Have you ever contracted a venereal disease from heavy equipment?
Previous message was not received by OORick because of error (8:45:47 PM): User OORick is not available.
Yeah… at some point, after you chase the Rick offline, you really should like… stop sending him messages.
DevilsNightOut13 (8:42:38 PM): If you are a homosexual, send me an Error Message
Previous message was not received by OORick because of error (8:42:41 PM): User OORick is not available.
I guess the Rick is a homosexual! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
WORDS OF WI(S)DRO(M)
How did Widro make peace with the walking Ego-Monster that is Hyatte? What does Widro think of each and every writer on 411… from the big fish (hello!) to the Action Figures pond scum?
Ah, you’re all prima donnas!
That’s how!
And now, it’s back to SEX!!
CYBER LOVE WITH THE BLOODNINJA
Years ago someone left a series of transcripts in my in-box. Who the Bloodninja is, I have no clue… all I know is that the last time I posted a few of these, you all loved it.
bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate: I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
bloodninja: How did you know?
bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
bloodninja::Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
bloodninja::So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
bloodninja::I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: Fuck
SCARY VOODOO!!
In the “Dear God It’s A Slow News Day” dept:
Over at the 1Scherer, resident good time gal/too lazy to properly spell her Greek last name Georgie is carrying on about how two of the Godfather’s old “Ho’s” recently had two sons, born on the same day, same hospital, and just hours apart. And both boys had the same color skin, which was considerably darker than their mothers, and covered in tattoos.
Then the two boys were discovered to have small, living serpents for tongues… and when they cried, black goo poured from their eyelids. And despite the nurses generous use of the fire extinguishers, both children’s feet kept erupting in flames.
When asked for comment, the former(??) Papa Shango said, “Aw hell NO they ain’t mine!! Now scuze me while I get the hell out of town, motherfucka!!”
Later he was seen poking holes in the bellies a various Barbie dolls while standing in exactly seven inches of pig intestines and chanting some dark, sinister verses
Some gimmicks never die… some live on and build an ARMY!!
(Nostalgia note: If this story was happened a few years ago, I would have incorporated Doug Dillenger into it, somehow. I miss Dillenger, even though he was the AntiChrist he was still a good egg)
NECK AND NECK TO THE FINISH LINE
Everyone’s all excited about the return of Edge! Maybe he’ll jump to Raw and give HHH some classic job outs?? Maybe his star is about to REALLY shine? Maybe he’s destined for the MAIN EVENT!! DON’T LOOK NOW BUT THE EDGE WILL SAVE THE WWE!!!!
Well, here’s a little bit of PISS for your bowl of Happy Flakes…
Austin had the same neck surgery as Edge did and he lasted just a couple of years
Angle SKIPPED that sort of surgery and went for a different sort… and it looks like he’s just about done… he may go ahead with the big surgery anyway, and that would take him out for a full year with no guarantees.
Benoit had the same sort of neck surgery and he’s starting to complain about stiffness. He’s looking to wrap things up and call it a career soon.
The surgery is basically where they fuse the vertebra. It’s painful AND risky.. and in NO WAY does it make you 100% again.
Guys… I hate to break it to you but… in this day and age, once a wrestler goes for the fusion, they’re basically on borrowed time. Edge has never been a mat technician. He likes to fly! Hell, Austin’s entire offense stayed on the mat and look how long HE lasted!
So enjoy Edge while you can… same goes for Rhyno AND Lita too. Their shelf-life has been drastically reduced!
Happy New Year!
Jeeze, I remember when Stan Hansen broke Bruno Sammartino’s neck in a match, not only did Bruno CONTINUE to wrestle but he ALSO had time to change his hair from straight to an afro! And he started the AIDS virus too! THEN, he went to the Doctor!
A LIVE MIC = DANGER!
I always need more of these. You all are doing great, so keep them coming.
The Rock just shoved Billy Gunn's face in that large woman's ass! - Jim Ross
LOOK! Is that a monkey falling out of that tree? NO! WAIT!! ITS JIMMY SNUKA!!- Don Muraco
I can’t believe you know the Big Show's ring size.
What, you can’t believe I actually prepare for a broadcast.
What's the size of hi…, heh ha… nevermind.
I didn’t care to know the size of that part of his anatomy, King
How do you know what I was going to say?
I know where you were headed, it’s where you're always headed- JR and Lawler from Insurrection 2002.
D-Von! Look at this! Is that a BODYSUIT?? Honey, you look like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag!- Buh Buh Ray Dudley, to a fat chick at an ECW house show (the reporter who sent this to me assures me that Buh Buh Ray had the girl in tears… and her boyfriend in hysterics)
Of course Luger's fresh! He's the only one who hasn’t been hit by a frying pan!- Schiavone from Uncensored ‘96
And finally… just for the hell of it:
The way I look at it - neither one of you two guys would be here right now if it wasn't for Scott and I. Russo, you know for a fact Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, when you were in the World Wrestling Federation, saved you from being decapitated from Shawn Michaels on numerous occasions. And you, Eazy-E, if it wasn't for the Outsiders, there'd have been no NWO, and you know what - you'd still be bringing Verne Gagne coffee up in Minnesota!- Nash
We're shootin' here!- Schiavone
And alas… them shooting days are now over…
Poor guy… poor big, sexy, arrogant… lazy… ego-maniacal bastard.
MRS ROBINSON, YOU’RE TRYING TO… TO… DO SOMETHING TO ME… AWW HELL, LINE?
I’m still taking suggestions on these. More wrestling quotes at the moment, but whatever you feel like sending my way. Just do your best in making them word perfect.
Why are you so serious all the time?
Does it bother you?
Yes. Yes it does.
What about you, does it bother you?
Yeah, I guess.
Well, would you like to hear me tell a joke?
Yes I would.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Go fuck yourselves- Catch Me If You Can
Give us the gate key.
What gate key?
Fezzik, rip off his arms.
Oh, this gate key.- The Princess Bride
If you don't have my money for me, I'll crack your fucking head in front of everyone in the bank. And just about the time I get out of jail, hopefully, you'll be coming out of your coma. But guess what? I'll crack your fucking head again! 'Cause I'm fucking stupid! I don't give a fuck about jail! That's my business. That's what I do.- Casino
You know, fuck you and fuck Frank Sinatra.- Do The Right Thing
Those last two are going out to my Italianos out there… you wanna be tough guys… with your mouthy sisters with the big, poofy joisey hair… I’ve had a few of them, their nipples smell like pepperoni… AND TELL THEM TO SHAVE A LITTLE, GODDAMMIT! I AIN’T INDIANA JONES!! I DON’T WANT TO GO TRAIPSING THROUGH THEIR RAIN FORESTS LOOKING FOR THEIR TEMPLE OF LOVE!!!
Anyway…. Time to take ‘er home with a nice little year end closer… on filled with reflections of the year gone by, of the year that is to come, and various reasons why Triple H blows. You know it, you love it, many of you scour through it looking for something YOU may have written… it’s an old favorite ‘round these parts… it’s…
ACROSS THE BOARDS
What better way to fill a lot of column space than to scroll through message boards and hunt down some usable quotes… because it is YOU, John Q. Fuckface, that tells the business that is Pro Rasslin’ how to conduct itself… so YOU should have a voice, a loud voice, a FEATURED voice, and it is I who should provide a forum for that!
Of course, I totally take whatever you say and edit it completely out of context, plus I don’t give CREDIT for any of this. Hell, I don’t even name the places I GOT these.
Except now, because many of these quotes were pulled from the TORCH V.I.P. FORUM!!! THAT’S RIGHT, WADE!!! I DON’T HAVE A SUBSCRIPTION TO YOUR NEWSLETTER EITHER!!! THE FOX IS IN YOUR HENHOUSE AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO BUY A KEY!!! HOWZABOUT DEM APPLES??? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA
Trust me, people tell me Wade Keller is more paranoid about people getting VIPeed on for free than most of your finer porno websites.
Anyway, this batch is pretty amusing for the most part. It’s a good line-up I’ve assembled:
“Is TNA still on? Good for them!”
“I broke my bed giving my pillow a diamond cutter. By far I'm the most hardcore guy on these forums”
“SHHHHH Vince will hear you! Hes everywehere...hes...like the wind...stealing BAD ideas, and incorperating it into the product. Just...SHHH”
“Bob Holly is a moderately over wrestler, a worthless in ring competitor and an piece of shit excuse for a hiuman being. And yet, for Lord knows what reason, he's going to get not only a workd title shot, but a world title shot at a major PPV. WHY? Storyline wise, the reason is stupid enough anyway. But in real life, why is the WWE decided to give a life time, basically worthless (comedy) midcarder/JTTS a world title shot when you could give it to you know, ANYONE ELSE?”
“First rule of Wrestling If you sell it marks will buy it.”
“As long as Cripple H keeps his filthy mits outta Smackdown I will be fine. The WWE title is the only credible title anyway. The World Heavyweight is BS, HHH got it on a silver platter...he didnt deserve it, he was just pissed that Brock was stealing his thunder.”
“WMXX dream match: Nathan Jones vs. Hillbilly Jim. The build would be easy. Just have Hillbilly return weeks before the show and start chasing Nate Me Mate around with a stool and a bucket. License to print money, baby”
“Hakumania was just too powerful for Vince to even put on the TV regularly it might overshine poor HHH.”
“Well, if anybody can appreciate your typos and grammatical errors, it's Meltzer.”
“F5 vs. Full Nelson = Buyrate”
“Dear Lord, where would one even begin to start in a creative complaint meeting at TNA HQ? I would have to imagine sitting in on a TNA booking meeting in which Jarrett tries to justify his Superman role is not much unlike Vince Russo sitting in the pre-Attitude WWF booking meetings and trying to listen to morons like Bruce Pritchard explain why Duke The Dumpster Droese was a good idea.”
“I can;t wait for the day For Mcmahon to rehire Vince Russo and the WWE Will be Awesome again. It;s bound to happen sooner or later”
“Rumor has it that a big face push is instore for Mark Henrey.... and will be competing for the IC title. Mark Henrey is booked in some house show matches against Randy Orton as Sexual Chocolet . I dont know how they beleive Mark henrey could be a face. I would have to belive that he has improved in the ring.I guess they really want to get there money out of the contract with him.”
“Wrestlers writing their own storylines? Just don't work in today's biz.”
“I don't know about you, but I'm sick of people just saying things on this board to be controversial. So, whaddya say we show 'em who's boss? Ready? I'll go first. Kurt Angle hasn't paid his dues. Feel free to contribute your own flames!”
“Jerry ‘the King’ Lawler goes to tna and shoots about Vince mcmahon about being another Verne Gagane”
“Amazen is Marc Mero's new girl. I assume that isn't her real name though. Probably her stripping name.”
“Brooke Hogan definitely got her mother's looks I just hope she did'nt get her father's hairline can you say bald at 20 brother.”
“Why do I find it funny that Big Show's wife is named Bess?”
“Bess is a great name.... for a COW”
“I mean, seriously, I've taken a pass on all of the "best-of-2003" shows in the past week or so because there was literally NOTHING that happened in WWE in 2003 that I would want to watch a second time.”
“Anyway, biggest disappointment of 2003: Rob Van Dam still has a job”
“Now go make me a Slurpee, you putz.”
“It's a good sign of a person's insecurity when he quickly resorts to namecalling. The example of employment I chose is irrelevant. Even if I worked at 7-11, I wouldn't make you a Slurpee; the Slurpee machine is self-service at most 7-11s I've been to.”
“Fuck yeah. Get that sloth of a fuck out of there! Fuckin Nashhole.”
“Keep Edge on Smackdown. Please.”
“I can't believe nobody mentioned this yet. How about the infamous ‘You're Not Flair!’ chants on that one episode of RAW? You could tell HHH was getting pissed as the chants got louder with Flair trying to hold back his joy about the crowd's respect for him. What a proud man. Such a great moment.”
“My wife was going into labour and I rushed home to set the VCR for Smackdown.”
“I have heard that Brooklyn Brawler is gay, is this true and if so is he single?”
“I like Randy Orton. Aside from the fact that he got to where he is today by getting Triple H is coffee and carrying his bags, he's still got amazing potiential.”
“My favorite unintentional comedy of 03 was at the 3rd Degree show they did leading up to WM where they interviewed the main eventers at the World. Triple H was getting all into his interview and threw his jacket off but somehow his tie got hooked around his arm. He was trying to be all serious for the rest of his interview and the whole crowd is chanting ‘Fix Your Tie!’ Triple H has the worst look on his face after that. Great stuff.”
“Angle should have gone to Youngblood and had the damn fusion surgery earlier this year. But no, he wanted to have a quick and speedy recovery time. Now look at him.”
“Yeah, what a selfish asshole, trying to stay out as little as possible for his fans. He deserves every fucking injury that comes his way, the bastard.”
“With every report that comes out I begin to care less and less about WrestleMania XX.”
“Orton should get demoted back to Heat where he belongs.”
“I wouldn't say Lita's fat, but pausing the tape and seeing her stomach just looking like she just gave birth to puppies doesn't make me feel good. (runs to bathroom again)”
“Benoit is 36. I remember looking it up earlier in the year when some idiot was saying you could tell Benoit was using steroids because he was losing his hair...”
“John Hedenchmiden: NEXT HUGE THING.”
“Damn that Trish is one ugly broad: When's Jazz coming back?”
“Haku was released too. He works as a car salesman now. (No joke)”
“I have it under good authority that Boss Man is booked to beat Goldberg in a No.1 contenders match at No Way Out.”
“HHH is actually more Harley Race then Flair... what with all the knee moves, bounties on challengers, and heel cohorts. HHH has basically made himself the avatar of every long term NWA heel champ ever.”
“Thank God Orton/HHH hasbeen called off from what I hear, now Wrestlemania might be watchable for FIVE HOURS.”
“I dislike Goldberg but at least he made me give a damn about the tin can they call a title. All this proves to me is Vince is more insane than he has ever been.”
“I can't wait to see HHH in a Romantic Comedy for some reason.”
“Anyway, I want the Rock to stay in Hollywood because he makes good movies. I want HHH to stay in Hollywood just to be gone.”
“We all know the true Lord of the Dance is Vince.”
“Do the premiere wrestling journalists, i.e. Scherer, Meltzer, Keller, Alvarez, etc. have day jobs, or do they make a living on their newsletters? I'm pretty sure that they must do something else besides writing newsletters to make money, because I can't imagine - even with the number of subscribers they must have - that they could be able to pull in suitable salaries that they could live on. It's been bugging me, though, and I'm interested in a definitive answer...I mean, they update their sites and write newsletters so often...”
“Saying that things have jumped the shark has jumped the shark.”
“I resolve to stop watching this wrestling crap & get a girlfriend. Ah, who am I kiddin'?”
“I bet the money they'd have given Goldust next year will probably go to a returning Kurrgan.”
“Vince already said pass on AMW because they were too vanilla and sounded like imbred hillbillies.”
“if Benoit doesn't need the Rumble to get a title shot, neither does Orton”
“C'mon, lighten up. Austin's drinking isn't a serious problem. It's not like it's ever led to any automobile accid--- Whoops. Well, okay, it definitely didn't result in any domestic distur--- Dammit. But at least Austin's never made a fool of himself by laying on the mat and pretending to swim--- Fine. You win this round. But there will be others. Beware!”
“Note to all girls, no matter how hot you are, there's always a girl hotter and younger ready to take your place.”
“I’m sorry but who is Scott Keith?”
“The 'Master of the Powerbomb' has still not truly been determined! Re-hire Sid, fuckers.”
“So long Nash, don't tear your quad on the way out.”
“You know Vince McMahon is going to read this, don't you?”
Maybe… ya never know.
Actually… I DO know… Vince ain’t reading this. Vince ain’t reading anyone. The man runs a billion dollar, multi-media company AND keeps up a competitive-level bodybuilding schedule… ever try one of those? That’s two work-outs a day, jack… two hours each…. And about 17 large meals a day. He ain’t got time to do much. So web surfing is NOT high on his list of priorities.
Anyways, I’m done for the week. I’d wish you a great new year but… well… right… like I care. Just another year closer to death… and it’s going so SLOOOOOOW.
The fact that I am getting more and more bitter as the years go by is not lost on me. I’ll try to work on that. That’ll be MY new year’s resolution.
I am destined for greater things. Just typing that makes me feel better. Fuck you.
Now I’m going to put together the strangely popular IWF 100: New Years Edition. Who do I want to bang now? Who is in my top ten? Is it YOU? Heh heh heh.
This is Hyatte